Sunday, September 20, 2015
Brothers
For all the times they throw things at each other, hit each other and yell "Mom, insert child's, is bugging me/touching me/looking at me, etc... This morning they are best friends. Playing together. Konnor set up a ramp for Owen to ramp cars and explained how to transform his Rescue Bots, he got Owen his favorite snack of chocolate covered pretzels (and yes I let him eat them at 9 am b/c it was so sweet) and Owen hasn't hit or thrown anything at Konnor all morning. These are the moments I will remember. The moments where two strangers became brothers. The moments where we can actually see God's love right in front of our eyes.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Attachment and Trust
Exciting things are happening in this house in regards to bonding and attachment. It's been 4 months and 2 days since this precious little boy was placed in our arms. I can't remember what our life was even like before we became a family of four. I can't wait to tell you what has been happening, but first I have to give you a little background so you will fully understand the magnitude of these events.
The key to attachment is trust. Most people think of trust strictly in the romantic relationship capacity, but the trust of a child is completely different. It's fragile and needs constant reassurance to build into a stable force in a child's life. Last summer I injured my rotator cuff. As I did physical therapy the therapist kept stressing the importance of doing my daily exercises. I reassured her that I would absolutely be doing my exercises as I would soon be wearing a toddler in a Ergo full time and would need my shoulder's to be up to par. She gave me a confused look and so I gave her this brief summary: your children knew from day one that you would provide for their every need. When they cried for hunger you fed them, when they were wet you changed their diaper, when they fell you kissed their owies. My children never had this sense of security before joining our family. Their needs were met not based on their actual need at the moment, but on the facilities schedule. When this happens you learn to not expect help so then why ask for help.
We often hear from well meaning people "oh they were adopted so young they will be fine." They are right, my boys will be fine, but the age of adoption doesn't dictate the lasting effects. Those first months of life, the ones where they learned not to trust, not to depend on anyone and not to let their guard down, helped to shape their brains and personalities. It dictates their responses to different situations. It effects their ability to trust and therefore, develop strong attachments. This is why we are so particular about people not holding Owen and why we don't allow others to feed/bath, etc.. him. He has to learn that we will provide for his needs. He has to learn that we can be trusted. It's not a matter of just recognizing us as Mama and Papa. He has to know that being Mama and Papa means safety and trust.
Ok that is seriously a watered down lesson on attachment in adoption, but I think it gives you the basics so you can appreciate these next few things: In the last week 3 REALLY AWESOME things have happened.
1) For the first time ever Owen gave me an unprompted kiss. He would give them if asked or in response to me kissing on him, but the other day he was sitting on my lap and just leaned forward and planted the sweetest little snot included kiss. He looked so proud of himself and this unprompted show of affection from him brought this Mama to tears. This is BIG people. He wanted to show me affection not because he thought it was the expected response, but because he wanted to kiss his Mama. It's BIG, trust me.
2) He has started asking for food and drink. Even going to far as to get in the pantry and show us exactly what he wants!!!! Oh my Heavens I can't even tell you how exciting this is!! He has NEVER asked for food or drink. Whenever we get something for Konnor we always offer him too (which is like every hour b/c Konnor is in a growth spurt and eats nonstop), but he has never independently asked for something. Right now it is a trust building exercise b/c half the time he takes one bite and moves on (don't worry I save it for later), but he just wants to know that no matter how often he asks he will get something to eat. Yay!!!! Maybe with this newfound independence we will start to see some growth.
3) He has started saying "Owie" and wants kisses on his oweis!!!!! Guys! I just can't even!!!!! This is a child whose knees are perpetually bleeding and he never notices. A child who has had multiple hospitalizations, 3rd degree burns and 2 surgeries all without a Mama to make the owies all better. He has good reason to not notice when he gets hurt, but here is this amazing little boy asking me to kiss his toes or fingers or hand or arm or head, etc... We have a lot of imaginary owies right now, but I kiss every stinking one of them, b/c I want him to know that no matter how big or small Mama will take care of him.
If you read this far I hope you understand the magnitude of these events and why we are so excited. Attachment is a long process. Sometimes there are giant leaps like above and sometimes it is a smaller event that you don't even realize until you reflect later. They all matter. They all count. They all make for a strong lasting foundation for our babies. I can't take away the hurt from the first 18 months of his life, but I can give him reason to trust. I can give him that over and over again until one day we will look back and not even realize that our relationship was ever any other way.
The key to attachment is trust. Most people think of trust strictly in the romantic relationship capacity, but the trust of a child is completely different. It's fragile and needs constant reassurance to build into a stable force in a child's life. Last summer I injured my rotator cuff. As I did physical therapy the therapist kept stressing the importance of doing my daily exercises. I reassured her that I would absolutely be doing my exercises as I would soon be wearing a toddler in a Ergo full time and would need my shoulder's to be up to par. She gave me a confused look and so I gave her this brief summary: your children knew from day one that you would provide for their every need. When they cried for hunger you fed them, when they were wet you changed their diaper, when they fell you kissed their owies. My children never had this sense of security before joining our family. Their needs were met not based on their actual need at the moment, but on the facilities schedule. When this happens you learn to not expect help so then why ask for help.
We often hear from well meaning people "oh they were adopted so young they will be fine." They are right, my boys will be fine, but the age of adoption doesn't dictate the lasting effects. Those first months of life, the ones where they learned not to trust, not to depend on anyone and not to let their guard down, helped to shape their brains and personalities. It dictates their responses to different situations. It effects their ability to trust and therefore, develop strong attachments. This is why we are so particular about people not holding Owen and why we don't allow others to feed/bath, etc.. him. He has to learn that we will provide for his needs. He has to learn that we can be trusted. It's not a matter of just recognizing us as Mama and Papa. He has to know that being Mama and Papa means safety and trust.
Ok that is seriously a watered down lesson on attachment in adoption, but I think it gives you the basics so you can appreciate these next few things: In the last week 3 REALLY AWESOME things have happened.
1) For the first time ever Owen gave me an unprompted kiss. He would give them if asked or in response to me kissing on him, but the other day he was sitting on my lap and just leaned forward and planted the sweetest little snot included kiss. He looked so proud of himself and this unprompted show of affection from him brought this Mama to tears. This is BIG people. He wanted to show me affection not because he thought it was the expected response, but because he wanted to kiss his Mama. It's BIG, trust me.
2) He has started asking for food and drink. Even going to far as to get in the pantry and show us exactly what he wants!!!! Oh my Heavens I can't even tell you how exciting this is!! He has NEVER asked for food or drink. Whenever we get something for Konnor we always offer him too (which is like every hour b/c Konnor is in a growth spurt and eats nonstop), but he has never independently asked for something. Right now it is a trust building exercise b/c half the time he takes one bite and moves on (don't worry I save it for later), but he just wants to know that no matter how often he asks he will get something to eat. Yay!!!! Maybe with this newfound independence we will start to see some growth.
3) He has started saying "Owie" and wants kisses on his oweis!!!!! Guys! I just can't even!!!!! This is a child whose knees are perpetually bleeding and he never notices. A child who has had multiple hospitalizations, 3rd degree burns and 2 surgeries all without a Mama to make the owies all better. He has good reason to not notice when he gets hurt, but here is this amazing little boy asking me to kiss his toes or fingers or hand or arm or head, etc... We have a lot of imaginary owies right now, but I kiss every stinking one of them, b/c I want him to know that no matter how big or small Mama will take care of him.
If you read this far I hope you understand the magnitude of these events and why we are so excited. Attachment is a long process. Sometimes there are giant leaps like above and sometimes it is a smaller event that you don't even realize until you reflect later. They all matter. They all count. They all make for a strong lasting foundation for our babies. I can't take away the hurt from the first 18 months of his life, but I can give him reason to trust. I can give him that over and over again until one day we will look back and not even realize that our relationship was ever any other way.
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