If you had asked us last Fall our plan was that by Fall 2014 we would be baby steps starting the adoption process again. Towards the end of 2013 we started to feel the pull to start the adoption process again, but once again decided that we just were not ready. Emotionally, Physically and most definitely Financially we were not ready, so once again it was put on the back burner. The beginning of January our adoption agency posted that they were offering a reduced sign up fee. We decided to sign up (I mean in an adoption you have to save money anywhere you can right?), but still did not plan on starting the process until, at the earliest, Summer. I filled out the form and when I got to the part where it asks for references I seriously think I had my first ever anxiety attack. At this point Konnor was really struggling with sleep and I just couldn't, I mean ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT handle another child until we got these sleep issues under control. If I put peoples names on this paper they would call them and then what would happen.....we would be adopting again and I just was not there yet. So......back burner again. This was about the 2-3rd week of January. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I very frankly told God that if he wanted us to do this then he was just going to have to smack me in the face with it, b/c I was not ready! Well, let's just say it is not wise to give the man upstairs ultimatums.
So here we are just a few days before the end of January. I am at work on lunch break browsing my email/FB and BOOM! I saw the face of the most beautiful little girl. She just took my breath away. I came up with all the reasons for me to not even read why our agency was advocating for her, 1)she is older than we were considering and would only be 1 year younger than Konnor and almost 3 by the time she came home, 2) she had a neurological condition that I could't even pronounce let alone know what it is or how this would effect her long term. 3) Hello, see above, I was not ready!!! Despite all these perfectly logical arguments I just could not get this little girl out of my head. So here was my failsafe plan......Call Mark and explain the situation and he can be the one to tell me "No." Well guess what his response was......."see if the agency can put her file on hold and we will get it reviewed." Ummmm, excuse me. You were supposed to reign me in dear Husband of mine!
So we placed this little girl's file on hold and consulted Neurologists and Pediatricians to get an idea of what we would be dealing with and then we prayed. After a week and much communication with our agency we still had many unanswered questions and decided that we were not the family for her. We agreed to revisit her file if any new information became available, but at this time we did not feel equipped with the information we had to deal with the possible long term effects of this condition. We decided to take God's not so subtle hint and start the adoption process again, slowly. So the application went in and when I got the contract back I sat on it for 3 weeks before even looking at it. I was back in "I'm not ready mode." So once again God gave me a little nudge in the way of providing a glowing update on the little girl we had previously been considering. Oh this made it soooo hard. I still felt very drawn to this little girl, but after much discussion, prayer and heart searching I realized that my role was to help advocate and find her family, but that I was not meant to be her Mommy. I cried and cried. I felt like my heart was completely broken. I knew she wasn't meant to be MY daughter, but I just couldn't stand that she was still waiting for a family. Then at the beginning of April we got word that a family had in fact committed to bringing her home and making her their daughter. I was overjoyed for her.
Even though God had made it perfectly clear to me that we were to get a move on with bringing our next little one home I managed to come up with one more stall tactic. We didn't have the money for the home study. Many of you know we have been working diligently on becoming a debt free home, and while we are a few years away from being completely debt free we had set certain expectations of where we would be financially before we would adopt again. So it all came down to our taxes. We had pre-let's start another adoption, decided exactly what we would use our tax money to pay off and that wouldn't leave us any money for a home study. Didn't I mention above that you should not give God ultimatums? Well I had kind of put it out there that if he could just get us through the home study I would sell, trade and fundraise my tush off to get us the rest of the way to our baby. I just needed a starting point. Well, our taxes came back and we would have, almost to the dollar, enough to pay off the things we had previously planned AND pay for our home study. Okay God, I can take a not so subtle hint when I see one. So from there I got to work. Scheduling physicals, home study visits, filling out mounds of paperwork, fingerprints, etc.... and it's official, WE ARE ADOPTING AGAIN! I figure this is long enough so I will fill you in on where exactly we are in the process in a few days, but I will leave you with this thought, if God is pushing you to do something stop resisting and Go. Go and Go Now! Because His plans are always the right plans and you can try resisting like I did, but in the end you will find so much peace in just listening and obeying.
